I learned I can survive a 2 hour hot yoga class, a colonoscopy (yeah, I didn’t blog about that. Sorry I’m not sorry?), and getting hit by a car.
I learned I can work my ass off for a year and a half and be rewarded with an amazing new career.
I learned I can run and run and run and run and decide running kind of sucks.
I learned beer isn’t so bad. It’s actually kind of awesome.
I learned standing on a scale is the worst thing ON THE PLANET.
I learned counting calories is CRAP.
I learned some friends are better off not being in your life, because they are horrendously damaging.
I learned it’s okay to have days that suck.
It is okay.
It is okay to feel worried about things you have no control over.
It is okay to get that tension in the back of your neck when you realize your day won’t be panning out the way you thought it would. My life didn’t pan out the way I thought it would, but it just took a little longer for everything to fall into place.
It is okay to get slightly freaked about not being able to accomplish whatever it was you wanted to accomplish that day no matter how miniscule. It’s okay to care about something so much it makes you tremble.
All of it comes back to one central fear, of course…
not being good enough for anything or anyone or any aspect of the rich life you are carving out for yourself.
not deserving happiness, love, or the rewards of hard work, because you’re clearly too dumb/ugly/fat to deserve it.
thinking when you lose some number of pounds on a scale, get your hair cut that specific way, or run a certain amount of miles in a week, you’ll automatically be granted the gift of a husband or great job or life fulfillment or anything else you may want.
control or be controlled. the mantra.
Because you can’t control the bigness of your life.
your life. so much more. than the control.
For 2012…give in.
Let go. Experience. have love. let love. be loved. Dance more. Meet someone who makes you laugh until you snort. Eat that ice cream (or if you have allergies, eat something appropriately decadent).
it’s amazing to think back on all of my new years’ resolutions I made last year that I didn’t think i could stick to any of them, but I did.
however, this year i’m gonna mix it up.
new year’s resolutions are so last year. Here’s some unresolutions, aka things that don’t need to change one bit.
I am so grateful for all of my amazing, beautiful, and ridiculously smart colleagues at UCONN.
I am so grateful for all of my amazing, beautiful, and wonderful friends who inspire me every day. Whether I met you at a bar or on the yoga mat, I LOVE YOU.
I am so grateful for my family. You guys are the best.
I am so grateful for YOU, whoever you are.
my wish for each of us is small and very simple.
And it’s this.
I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.
So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself.
Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes.
Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever. – Neil Gaiman.
bring it on, 2012.
but 2011 was something special. Crazy. But special.