Warning: SO MANY SPOILERS for the Civil War arc of Captain America, and probably a TON of spoilers for Captain America: Civil War. If you want to go into the movie unspoiled, GO AWAY NOWWWWW.
This was inspired by a series of (admittedly slightly drunk) Tweets I made last night in which I decided to outline the reasons why #TeamCap and #TeamIronMa for Captain America: Civil War were surrogates for #TeamHillary and #TeamBernie. Captain America, I argued, was like Bernie Sanders – Rigorously truthful. Sometimes incapable of summoning up the right type of ground game. Best interests at heart. Skips the details in favor of those good intentions. I then posited that Iron Man was like Hillary Clinton – Pragmatic. Smart. Coming from money. Slightly warmongering. Goes back on some decisions but again, also has good intentions. Sometimes unlikeable but a hawk in politics.
After I posted that, I got a tweet from my friend Jorge, a professor at Holy Cross and one of my favorite people to talk to about politics – mainly because we agree on some things, but HEAVILY disagree on other things. He’s also a huge comic book fan. He wrote You know that in the comics Cap dies, Iron Man takes over SHIELD, and he abuses his power and brings about Armageddon, right?
CRAP. I totally forgot about that. So, at the end of the comic book arc of Civil War, Steve Rogers (aka Cap) is arrested and about to be arraigned for his part in the anti-registration rebellion (he is against mutants needing to be registered, Iron Man is for it, yada yada cue giant fight). On the steps of the courthouse, he is shot and killed by Sharon Carter who has been hypnotized by Crossbones (the confirmed villain of the Civil War movie). The Avengers/mutant community is stunned, and Tony Stark takes over SHIELD and proceeds to accidentally let an alien race invade Earth (which, while not connected directly to the Avengers plotlines in the comic books, is what I think will be the film plotline of The Avengers: Infinity War, thereby tying together Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy). Meanwhile, Bucky (aka the Winter Soldier, aka Steve’s best friend) receives a posthumous letter from Steve telling him to take up the shield and become the next Captain America, which he does, and Steve returns at a later point because nobody dies in comic books. I’m pretty positive that this is going to be the plotline of Captain America: Civil War, and if you know me at all, you know that I have a borderline-inappropriate crush on Chris Evans. So, I’m gonna need to take an entire box of Kleenex to see this thing.
Once I put all of this together, I realized that Iron Man can’t be Hillary, because while Hillary can make bad political decisions, has the backing of a lot of large corporations, and maaaaaybe should get a better speechwriter, I highly doubt she will bring about Ragnarok and I think on the whole she’ll make a better representative of the United States than Sanders. (I LOVE Sanders, too, and I’ll obviously vote for him in the general if he gets the nom.)
Then, it hit me. So is Iron Man…Trump?! I tweeted back. And then the idea for this blog was born. I’m only using the people who are still in the running on both sides.
Captain America: Bernie Sanders
Because screw you and your dumb rules. He’s not part of your system. He wants to upend the status quo. Stars out as this little guy that suddenly had the best movie in the entire franchise and everyone whips their head around like “where did Winter Soldier come from?” He sees the little guy over the big picture. Wants everyone to just get along, god dammit. And sometimes, that’s to his own downfall, because he can’t really start a revolution without a little bit of that cold pragmatism that enables true change. Good, honest, and relentlessly truthful to a fault.
Iron Man: Donald Trump
Charismatic, made of money, billionaire on a total power trip, starts out as mostly liberal with a decent goal and then does a sharp pivot into neo-con mode (“registering” all mutants because they’re a POSSIBLE danger to society, come on), incapable of seeing anything beyond himself at the worst possible times. A good guy to have when you need a shot of money or “glamour” in your cabinet, but the worst possible person to put in charge because he will bring about the literal apocalypse. He also really divides people up.
(Note: Trump could very easily also be Ultron, because Ultron is also a super-powered villain on a massive power trip and is just as much if not more of an asshole than Iron Man)
Hillary Clinton: Black Widow
Expert tactician and combatant. Easily adaptable to all types of environments. Flexible (in all manner of speaking). Espionage training so she’s really well trained on foreign policy. Politically savvy. Has had psychological conditioning to repress certain memories (I love Hillary and I’m voting for her, but girlfriend needs to get a better speech writer).
Ted Cruz: The Vision
Simply because The Vision, near the beginning of his arcs in the comics, is incapable of human emotion and is made out of 100% synthetic material, but can also very easily bring about the end of the universe as we know it.
John Kasich: Hawkeye
The one that shows up and everyone’s like “Oh, you’re still here! Oh, you are kind of useless! But I’m sure you mean well!”
Marco Rubio: Ant-Man
Has the ability to shrink so small, nobody can actually see him, but he’s actually kind of a snarky dick and a thief. (I’m clearly using the Scott Lang version of Ant-Man here).
President Obama and Michelle Obama: Black Panther and Storm
Duh. (No but seriously read up on those two characters. I’m not just saying they’re those characters because they’re black. It works perfectly.)
I hope this amused some of you as we slowly, painfully, slog our way through one of the grossest election cycles I have ever been a part of. (Although honestly, we’ve got it better than the people back when this country was still pulling itself together. Our Presidents back then owned people.)
Also, this whole post has made me EXTREMELY excited for Captain America: Civil War. Although if it ends the way I think it’s going to, I’m going to need to see it alone. I’ll be a total mess.
PS. Martin O’Malley is Superman – a seriously great guy who just wants to do good for the world, but everyone’s like “Ugh, you’re boring, NEXT.”